Speed Dating

Hartley's Tavern & Grill. Thursday, 7:30pm. "Five Minutes to Forever." What could possibly go wrong?

Dale Pruitt is a loss adjuster who has spent twenty years working out what went wrong in other people's kitchens. He should have known better than to sign a contract he wasn't allowed to finish reading. But he is lonely, the bread smells wonderful, and a nurse called Priya has just asked him to tell her about the goat.

Twelve women. Thirteen men. One brass bell that rings itself every five minutes, and a clock above the bar that has been stuck at 8:14 since the beginning of the world. When the bell goes, everybody moves. Everybody. Nobody remembers agreeing to stay this long, and nobody has said goodbye.

The women all say the same sentence, with the same little tilt of the head. The jet-ski joke is told three times a lap. The breadsticks are always fourteen, and they have a pulse. And in the corner by the kitchen door sits a thirteenth chair, which is warm, and which is reserved for somebody.

To get out, Dale and Priya must read the small print, learn the arithmetic that keeps the evening going, and find a way to make twelve and thirteen come out even, before the Round closes at six hundred and somebody gets Left Over. All it takes is two people who truly want to stay. Preferably not in the chair.

A cheesy, affectionate and very British horror comedy in the grand tradition of Garth Marenghi: part ghost story, part restaurant review, part tax return, and entirely unable to stop talking about itself.

Speed Dating. Five minutes can change your life. Fifty hours can end it.